This is the third in my series on ACT and Recovery. In this post I will be focusing on the ACT process of mindful contact with the present moment, or mindfulness for short. Integrating mindfulness practices can be a powerful tool in fostering lasting change. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a powerful therapeutic approach, introduces the concept of mindful contact with the present moment as a key element in the recovery process. In this post, we’ll explore how incorporating mindfulness into the journey of recovery can provide you with the tools to overcome the challenges of addiction and move towards a life aligned with your values.
Firstly, what is, Contact with the Present Moment?
Mindful contact with the present moment is a fundamental principle of ACT that encourages individuals to engage with their thoughts and feelings as they arise, fully and compassionately and, most difficultly, without judgment. That is, resisting the urge to judge certain thoughts and experiences as ‘good’, and others as ‘bad’. Unlike traditional approaches that may focus on suppressing or controlling unwanted thoughts, or on trying to make unwanted thoughts disappear, ACT emphasizes awareness and acceptance of uncomfortable or unwanted thoughts and feelings whilst acknowledging that these experiences are certainly unwanted and unpleasant.
This approach recognizes unwanted private experiences, including intense emotions, cravings and urges, as well as disturbing memories and associated negative thoughts are part of the human experience, and that avoiding uncomfortable thoughts and emotions can contribute to the cycle of addiction.
Mindfulness, in the context of ACT, involves being fully present in the moment and observing your thoughts and feelings with openness and curiosity. By simply cultivating an attitude of non-judgmental awareness, you can learn to develop a healthier relationship with your inner experiences, instead of repeated, and ultimately unsuccessful, attempts to avoid, distract or suppress these instead with addictive behaviours and/or substances.
Breaking the Cycle of Avoidance:
Addiction often develops over time and can sometimes be driven by a desire to escape or numb emotional pain. This cycle of avoidance can perpetuate substance abuse as individuals seek temporary relief from their struggles. Mindful contact with the present moment disrupts this cycle by encouraging you to slow down, observe and to confront your emotions head-on.
Through practicing mindfulness, you can learn to sit with discomfort, observe cravings without succumbing to them, and you may even develop greater insight into the underlying issues fuelling your addiction. This non-avoidant approach fosters emotional resilience, enabling you to face the challenges of recovery with greater self-awareness.
Cultivating Mindfulness in Daily Life:
Incorporating mindfulness into daily life is a gradual but transformative process. ACT provides practical tools and exercises to help individuals build mindfulness skills. One such tool is the concept of “defusion,” which involves stepping back from and disentangling yourself from thoughts and emotions. By viewing thoughts as passing events rather than permanent truths, you can reduce the power that cravings and negative emotions have over you.
Mindful breathing exercises, body scans, and meditation are also integral components of cultivating mindfulness. These practices promote self-regulation and aid in developing an increased awareness of the present moment. As you progress through your recovery journey with your new mindfulness tools onboard, you will become more attuned to your internal experiences, which means you can respond to triggers and challenges in a more intentional and constructive manner.
Connecting with Values and Commitment:
While mindfulness lays the foundation for recovery, ACT goes a step further by emphasizing the importance of clarifying one’s values and committing to meaningful actions aligned with those values. We have already discussed the importance of values in an earlier post. Identifying and aligning with your personal values provides a sense of purpose and direction, motivating you to make choices that contribute to your overall well-being.
Mindful contact with the present moment serves as a guide stick which helps you navigate the path towards your recovery goals. By staying present and aware, you can begin to make conscious choices that align with your long-term goals rather than succumbing to impulsive, short-term relief through substance use.
Addressing Relapse with Compassion:
Relapse is a common challenge in the recovery journey, and ACT approaches it with a compassionate understanding. Instead of viewing relapse as a failure, try to see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. Mindful awareness helps you to examine the circumstances leading to the relapse without self-condemnation, fostering a greater understanding of your triggers and which vulnerabilities are at play.
Mindful self-compassion, a concept integrated into ACT, encourages you to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a friend facing similar challenges. This self-compassionate mindset helps mitigate feelings of shame and guilt, promoting resilience and a renewed commitment to the recovery journey.
So whilst navigating the complexity of addiction recovery, the concept of mindful contact with the present moment, as offered by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, emerges as a guiding light. By incorporating mindfulness, you can break free from the cycle of avoidance, confront your emotions with courage, and develop a deeper understanding of the roots of and drivers of your addiction. As mindfulness becomes woven into the fabric of your daily life, you can supercharge your recovery by aligning your actions with your values, fostering a sense of purpose and direction, increased self-confidence and a self of achievement. The journey to recovery is undoubtedly challenging, but with mindfulness as a companion, you can navigate its twists and turns with resilience, compassion, and a renewed commitment to a life of meaning and fulfillment.
This is the 2nd in a series onACT 4 Addiction: How ACT can help you break the cycle of addiction once and for all.
Welcome back to our series on ACT 4 Addiction, where we explore how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can serve as a powerful tool in breaking the cycle of addiction. In this second instalment, we delve into the cornerstone of healing and recovery: Acceptance.
Acceptance, as we use it in ACT, is not what you might imagine it is. It’s not about waving a flag of approval over your life choices or condoning actions that may have led you down a challenging path. Rather, acceptance in the context of ACT is about embracing your situation as it is, without judging it or yourself as good, or bad – but rather as desirable or undesirable. As aligned with your goals and values, or not.
In the intricate dance of addiction and recovery, the concept of acceptance can be a game-changer. It’s not a passive surrender, but an active acknowledgment of your reality. Let’s unravel this thread and understand why acceptance is more than just a word; it’s a transformative mindset.
Acceptance, as defined by ACT, is not a surrender to the chaos or a tacit approval of destructive behaviors. It’s a conscious choice to see things for what they are, whilst resisting the urge to cloud our awareness with emotions or judgment. In the realm of addiction, this means acknowledging your struggles without drowning in self-loathing or being weighed down by guilt. In essence, acceptance allows you to see yourself, and your situation in a sober light and make a conscious choice, and commitment to do something about it.
In essence, acceptance is a radical departure from the blame game, both externally and internally. It’s stepping into the arena of self-awareness with a commitment to understanding your situation without attaching a moral label. This shift in perspective sets the stage for healing and recovery.
The Paradox of Acceptance
The paradox of acceptance lies in its ability to liberate. By embracing your reality as it current is, you free yourself from the chains of guilt and shame. Addiction often thrives in the shadows of self-condemnation, and acceptance becomes the beacon that illuminates the way out. It is only by completely accepting your past and present, that we can do the things that we need to do to create a better tomorrow and future. That is the paradox of acceptance.
Consider this: when you resist your circumstances, when you fight against the current of your reality, you inadvertently give it more power. Acceptance, on the other hand, is not capitulation; it’s a strategic move. You simply drop the struggle with reality and this creates space for change to unfold organically.
Acceptance vs. Resignation
It’s crucial to distinguish acceptance from resignation. Acceptance is not throwing in the towel; it’s choosing to engage with your reality without being entangled in a web of negativity. Resignation, on the other hand, is a passive surrender—a defeatist stance that closes the door to growth and transformation.
In the realm of addiction recovery, acceptance is the gateway to resilience. It’s the acknowledgment that your journey might be fraught with challenges, but within those challenges lies the potential for change. It’s an invitation to collaborate with your circumstances rather than battling against them.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Acceptance paves the way for a crucial companion on the journey of recovery—self-compassion. When you drop the judgments and embrace your reality, you create space for kindness towards yourself. Addiction often fosters a harsh inner critic, but acceptance allows you to rewrite that narrative with compassion and understanding.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean absolving responsibility; it means acknowledging your imperfections without the heavy burden of shame. It’s a vital ingredient in the recipe for lasting recovery, fostering a sense of self-worth that transcends the mistakes of the past.
Cultivating Acceptance in Everyday Life
So, how do we cultivate acceptance in our daily lives, especially in the face of addiction and recovery? Here are some ideas that you might want to consider:
Mindfulness Practices: Incorporate mindfulness into your routine. This could be as simple as paying attention to your breath or practicing non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and feelings.
Commit to Self-Reflection: Take time for regular self-reflection. Journaling can be a powerful tool to explore your thoughts and emotions without the weight of judgment.
Surround Yourself with Support: Build a network of supportive others. Whether it’s through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family, having a circle that understands the importance of acceptance can make a world of difference.
Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that recovery is a journey, not a destination. Setting realistic expectations allows room for acceptance, acknowledging that setbacks are part of the process.
Acceptance, in the context of ACT 4 Addiction, is a dynamic force that reshapes the narrative of recovery. It’s a departure from the binary notions of good and bad, right and wrong. Instead, acceptance is an open door—a portal to self-discovery, compassion, and lasting transformation.
As you navigate the path of recovery, remember that acceptance is not a one-time event but a continuous process. It’s a daily choice to face your reality with courage and resilience. In the coming posts, we’ll explore how acceptance seamlessly intertwines with commitment—the second component of ACT—for a holistic approach to breaking the chains of addiction once and for all.
Stay tuned for the next installment as we delve into the transformative power of mindfulness in the journey of recovery. Until then, embrace acceptance as your compass, guiding you through the twists and turns on the road to healing.
Embarking on the journey of recovery from porn and sex addiction is a courageous and transformative process. Amidst the challenges and complexities of addiction recovery, one often overlooked aspect is the profound impact on intimate relationships. Addiction can strain the fabric of connection, leaving individuals and couples searching for ways to rebuild trust, intimacy, and emotional bonds. In this blog post, we’ll explore the intersection of attachment theory, specifically Daniel P. Brown’s insights, with the process of recovery from porn and sex addiction. By understanding and addressing core attachment needs, individuals can pave the way for healing and the re-establishment of intimacy.
The Impact of Porn and Sex Addiction on Intimacy
Before delving into the role of attachment needs, it’s crucial to acknowledge the impact of porn and sex addiction on intimacy. Addiction can create a wedge between partners, eroding trust and leaving emotional intimacy in its wake. The secrecy, shame, and betrayal associated with addiction can contribute to a breakdown in trusst and a sense of emotional disconnection. Rebuilding intimacy in the aftermath of addiction requires a holistic approach that considers the individual’s journey to recovery and the real impacts this process has on partners and the relationship.
Understanding Attachment Needs in Recovery
Daniel P. Brown’s attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding the intricacies of emotional bonds and their role in relationships. Attachment needs, such as secure attachment, safe haven, secure base, empathic resonance, and expressed delight, become pivotal elements in the recovery process. These needs are not only relevant in parent-child relationships but also profoundly influence adult romantic relationships, making them a pertinent lens through which to view the challenges and opportunities in recovering from addiction.
Secure Attachment: A Foundation for Healing
In the context of recovery, establishing a secure attachment is foundational. Brown’s model suggests that a secure attachment provides a sense of emotional security and support. For individuals recovering from addiction, cultivating a secure attachment with oneself and one’s partner is essential for full recovery. It involves building trust, being vulnerable, and fostering open communication. As addicts navigate their individual recovery journey, having a secure base in their partner can provide the emotional stability necessary to face the challenges of healing.
However, due to the often devastating effects of emotional betrayal inherent in many sexual addiction behaviours, it may not always be appropriate for the affected partner to play the role of the ‘safe’ attachment figure. In this case, utilizing a therapist or engaging with group support programs such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, or SMART Recovery may provide this much needed emotional safe haven. For partners who wish to reconnect and stay together, understanding the role of attachment needs can help the healing process, and hopefully lead to closer, better and deeper connection with their chosen partner.
Safe Haven: Navigating Emotional Storms
Recovery from addiction is undoubtedly a tumultuous journey, filled with emotional ups and downs. Brown’s concept of a safe haven becomes particularly relevant here. Partners can play a crucial role as the safe haven, offering comfort and support during times of distress. In the context of porn and sex addiction recovery, having a safe haven means that individuals can turn to their partners without fear of judgment or rejection. It involves creating a space where vulnerabilities can be shared openly, contributing to a sense of emotional safety.
Secure Base: Exploration and Growth
Brown’s attachment model underscores the importance of a secure base for personal growth and exploration. In the context of addiction recovery, having a secure base in the relationship allows individuals to venture into the challenging terrain of self-discovery and healing. Partners become not only sources of support but also allies in the journey towards positive change. By fostering a secure base, couples can collaboratively navigate the uncertainties of recovery, fostering an environment conducive to personal and relational growth.
Empathic Resonance: Connecting on a Deeper Level
Empathic resonance, another key element in Brown’s model, holds significant implications for recovery from porn and sex addiction. This concept revolves around the mutual understanding and emotional attunement between partners. In the recovery process, developing empathic resonance means cultivating a deeper level of connection. Partners strive to understand each other’s emotional experiences, building a bridge of empathy that facilitates healing. For individuals in recovery, feeling truly understood by their partner fosters a sense of belonging and reduces feelings of isolation.
Expressed Delight: Celebrating Victories, Big and Small
Addiction recovery is a journey marked by both challenges and victories. Brown’s concept of expressed delight becomes a powerful tool for couples navigating this terrain. Partners actively celebrating each other’s successes, whether they be milestones in recovery or personal achievements, contributes to a positive emotional climate. Expressing delight is not just a social nicety; it’s a way of reinforcing the bond between partners, creating a shared narrative of triumphs that strengthens the foundation of the relationship.
Support and Encouragement: A Dynamic Duo in Recovery
Support and encouragement, as highlighted in Brown’s attachment model, emerge as dynamic forces in addiction recovery. In the context of porn and sex addiction, where shame and self-doubt often prevail, having a partner who actively supports and encourages can be pivotal. Supportive partners provide not only a safety net but also a motivational force propelling individuals forward in their recovery journey. Encouragement serves as a reminder that change is possible and that the path to healing is one walked hand-in-hand.
The Integrative Approach: Attachment Theory Meets Recovery
As we weave together the threads of attachment theory and recovery from porn and sex addiction, an integrative approach emerges. Recognizing the interplay between secure attachment, safe haven, secure base, empathic resonance, expressed delight, and support and encouragement becomes essential for couples navigating the complexities of addiction recovery.
Individuals in recovery must first cultivate a secure attachment with themselves, fostering self-compassion and self-support. Simultaneously, partners may contribute to creating a secure attachment within the relationship, embodying the roles of safe haven and secure base. Empathic resonance deepens the emotional connection, while expressed delight and support and encouragement add layers of positivity and motivation to the journey.
Conclusion: Nurturing Attachment for Lasting Intimacy
Understanding core attachment needs provides a roadmap for couples seeking to re-establish intimacy in the aftermath of porn and sex addiction. The process involves not only addressing the individual’s journey to recovery but also actively engaging in the relational dynamics that foster attachment security. Daniel P. Brown’s insights into attachment needs offer a valuable lens through which couples can navigate the delicate dance of healing and intimacy, creating a foundation for lasting connection and growth.
A Cautionary Note for Affected Partners
A caveat. Couples engaged in healing from the traumatic betrayal that addicted partners engage in when ‘acting out’ needs to be addressed. Addicted partners need to be committed to recovery, and not in the ‘acting out’ phase of their addiction for the above insights to be at all helpful. Affected partners need to be careful about slipping into ‘co-dependency‘ or risking further abuse and emotional harm. If you are an affected partner, you may want to seek your own support, by seeking out a therapist or joining a support group if you are at all unsure about your own emotional safety within the relationship, before attempting to support your partner’s recovery. As individuals first, we are all ultimately responsible for our own journey. The choice whether to stay with a partner who is in recovery is an emotional and difficult one, and deserves careful consideration.
Re-writing the script.
Below is a powerful “ideal parents” visualization and meditiation narrated by Daniel P. Brown himself. It asks the listener to imagine different scenarios from childhood where they may have interacted with their parents, and asks the listener to re-image these scenarios with the parents acting and responding as needed by the listener.
Ideal Parents – a guided meditation and visualization exercise
Some publications by Daniel P. Brown.
Brown, D. P., Elliott, R., & Engle, D. (1990). Systemic Assessment of Meaning‐Making in Early Adult Attachment Narratives: A Manual for the Attachment Patterns Test. Attachment: New Directions in Psychotherapy and Relational Psychoanalysis, 70-96.
Brown, D. P., & Fromm, E. (Eds.). (2012). The Adult Attachment Projective Picture System: Attachment Theory and Assessment in Adults. Guilford Press.
Brown, D. P., & Elliott, R. (1992). Developmental Markers in the Narrative Study of Attachment: Clinical Implications. Psychotherapy, 29(2), 240–249.
Many clients I see usually come to counselling for addiction when they are concerned enough about their problem to want to do something about it. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ve probably heard me talk about the “stages of change” model by Prochaska & Di Clemente. If you want to you can familiarise yourself here but for those that hate within article links, here is an ultra-brief rundown. The model shows that people move through stages when they are making a change, and that could be any kind of change, from quitting a substance to embarking on a new career. The changes are pre-contemplation (not thinking about change), contemplation (obviously, some thinking about change), preparation (deciding to do something), action (actively making the change/s) and maintenance (engaging in the new behaviour regularly) and finally, we have lapse/relapse – a return to the pre-change behaviours.
It is important to distinguish at this point between a lapse and a relapse. A lapse is usually considered a one-off detour where one engages in the old behaviour, but it doesn’t continue. A relapse is when you slip back into the old pattern of use that existed prior to the 1stchange attempt. According to Prochaska & Di Clemente, lapses and even relapse are part of the journey. On average, it takes a person approximately seven attempts to make real and lasting changes. It is all part of the process, and it’s important to see lapses as opportunities for growth, rather than signs that you are failing or worse, a failure.
Often this information is helpful to clients who present with the best intentions to ‘do something’ about their drinking, drug use, or porn habits but find that their decision to control or reduce their addictive behaviours is often in itself not enough to make it stop. They are often filled with shame, remorse and self-defeat when they come to realise that it is not as easy as just completing a detox or having some ‘strategies’ prepared. Don’t get me wrong, both those things are important and helpful, but what I try to stress to my clients is that they should not underestimate the power of their habit and that they are engaging in a battle with a very worthy opponent. One that has bested many before them and will continue to win many more battles to come. After all, why are there so many treatment centres, services and books written on the topic of substance use and addiction if it was that easy to just ‘stop it’.
I often point my clients to an excellent article which explains the science behind why people develop addictions (in this case to alcohol, but it could translate to almost any addiction) and how the process happens gradually, over time. The point is no-one wakes up one day and decides to have a problem addiction. It is often a process which involves several systems working in concert to create the brain and body of a person with an addiction. It is an incremental and inter-dependent process that involves your brain chemistry, your neurobiology, your physiology, your psychology, and your attachment system all working together. Each playing a specific and important role in making it super difficult to quit that behaviour/substance without real effort.
There is no sugar coating this. Changing a behaviour, any behaviour is not easy. Although the steps are simple, the effort required is significant. You are fighting against an army of adversaries that are all working together to keep the status quo. Your mind will come up with several reasons why you need to keep drinking, why you can’t stop today, why it is not worth the effort, why you cannot cope without it. Your limbic system will rise up with fear, anxiety, and trepidation at the idea of letting go of your addiction. Fear of change, uncertainty of what life will be like if you make this change and fear of having to face any underlying trauma or unpleasant reality that your addiction has helped keep hidden will attempt to sabotage all your good intentions. You will argue with yourself, your family, your partner, even your therapist as your amygdala fires up with anxiety, even when you know that your substance use has caused you nothing but pain, trouble and drama.
This quote from Eckhart Tolle on addiction summarises it well:
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to –alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person — you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. The bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever.
~Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now pg152-153)
The difficulty in changing a behaviour is rooted in fear and pain. Fear of the original pain returning, fear of the pain of withdrawal in some cases, and fear of a future where pain must be endured raw, without the perceived buffer of the substance or behaviour.
So what is the answer? I encourage my clients to move through their recovery with a focus on self-compassion. Be kind to yourself and don’t buy into those critical voices that tell you it is hopeless, you are not worth it or that you have somehow failed just because you have not managed this transition perfectly. Change takes commitment, effort and support. But just because you have slipped up, doesn’t mean the game is over. Nothing worth doing has ever been easy. With courage, the support of a counsellor or peer support group and self-compassion you can make the changes your heart truly desires.
Gary Wilson, co-founder of the website Your Brain on Porn passed away recently. He was a pioneer in the field of porn addiction harms advocacy and was one of the first to sound the alarm on the potential effects and associated harms of internet porn. Gary was an honest, authentic and true champion of truth and science. His website, http://www.yourbrainonporn.com served as both a clearing house for the rapidly growing research and as a source of support for the growing numbers of, mostly but not all, young men struggling with issues which they suspect are related to their use of porn. His legacy will live on and his name will be remembered long after some of his critics’ are forgotten and relegated to the wrong side of history.
How much porn is there on the internet? The answer depends on your source, but It is estimated that between 4 and 37% of all internet traffic is pornography related, depending on where you look.[1] One intriguing source of statistical data relating to pornography is Pornhub’s annual year in review. Porn Hub, while not the site with the most traffic on the net, is the only site that publishes annual “year in review” statistics, which includes the year’s top search terms, site visit stats and most popular categories. In December 2019, Pornhub published its seventh annual year in review statistics for the previous 12 months. It triumphantly boasted of its’ continued growth:
Pornhub keeps on growing and it doesn’t show signs of letting up. In 2019 there were over 42 Billion visits to Pornhub, which means there was an average of 115 million visits per day. One-Hundred-Fifteen Million – that’s the equivalent of the populations of Canada, Australia, Poland and the Netherlands all visiting in one day![2]
The equivalent of the populations of Canada, Australia, Poland and the Netherlands. Given the population of the world is currently estimated at 7.5 billion, 42 billion visits for the year of 2019 equals 5.6 visits per person on the planet. Let that sink in for a moment before we move on.
Other sources relating to the internet, numbers and porn show a variety of, depending on your perspective, disturbing statistics. According to a 2006 study of Google searches[3], “adult” was the biggest search category for mobile device searches, counting for 20% of all searches. Other popular search terms included “sex”, “porn” and “free porn”. A 2014 study estimated that 4% of all websites on the internet are dedicated to porn, which may not seem like a lot, but when one looks at the traffic on Pornhub as a guide to how many visitors porn sites may be serving, the numbers start to add up.
Here are some more, numbers that is.
Every Second:
28,258 users are watching pornography on the internet.
$3,075.64 is being spent on pornography on the internet.
372 people are typing the word “adult” into a search engine.
Every Day:
37 pornographic videos are created in the United States.
2.5 billion emails containing porn are sent or received.
68 million search queries related to pornography- 25% of total searches- are generated.
116,000 queries related to child pornography [sic] are received.
According to the National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families, (2010) 47% of families in the United States reported that pornography is a problem in their home, pornography increases the rate of marital infidelity by more than 300%, and 56% of divorce cases involve one party having an “obsessive interest” in pornography.[4]
Another way of estimating porn’s prevalence and rising popularity is to take a look at the global ranking of websites with the most traffic. Every year, Similar Web ranks the worlds’ 300 most popular websites. In 2016, it ranked both mobile and desktop data statistics together for the first time and noted a rise in the popularity of ‘adult’ sites. In 2016, the world’s most popular website was Facebook however for the first time, adult websites featured heavily in the top ranked websites, including 11 porn sites in the top 300 most popular sites globally for that year. Pornhub, attracting 1.1 billion visits a month in 2016 globally, saw 54% of its visits from mobile phones, with an average user session lasting about 8 ½ minutes. It rose from 38th place to 23rd, a higher position than online stalwarts such as eBay, MSN and Netflix.[5] However, then as now, Pornhub was not the worlds’ biggest porn site, Xvideos was. It ranked number 18 in 2016 with 1.5 billion monthly visitors.
The popularity of adult content website traffic has risen steadily since. In July 2020 the most recent rankings show adult websites now account for 4 out of the top 20 websites visited, with 3 of those being in the top 10. Xvideos.com is still the world’s biggest adult website coming in at number 7 in Similar Web’s list of the world’s most visited websites. Not far behind is Pornhub at number 9 and xnxx.com at number 10. To give you an appreciation of context, Xvideos’ popularity in 2020 is usurped only by Google, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram and Baidu.com – China’s version of Google. Or, in other words, Xvideos is more popular than Amazon, Netflix, Reddit, Ebay and Microsoft.
Given the prevalence of pornographic content on the net, is it any wonder that more and more users would find themselves becoming “addicted” to “fapping” (internet slang meaning to masturbate to online porn). Or that more and more of these users would find each other on internet forums and chat rooms where the problems related to too much of a good thing first started to appear.
In Gary Wilson’s famous TED Talk, “The Great Porn Experiment” from May 2012, which now has over 14 million views, he mentioned that researchers were struggling to find a ‘control group’ with which to conduct comparison studies, simply because they could not find enough non porn viewing male participants, with which to conduct their studies. This and the numbers mentioned above should indicate that whatever one thinks of internet pornography itself, its impact on a generation of young men cannot be underestimated. I recently re-visited his Ted Talk on the topic and was absolutely appalled by the “Note from TED under the talk stating, “This talk contains several assertions that are not supported by academically respected studies in medicine and psychology. While some viewers might find advice provided in this talk to be helpful, please do not look to this talk for medical advice.” This is absolutely not accurate. There were, at the time of this talk, and certainly since, a multitude of studies on the effects of internet porn and its associated harms. For TED to place such a statement under this talk is a form of disinformation and does not reflect what the actual research shows. But more on this later….
Stress. It’s a word that gets used often in today’s busy-ness obsessed world, but do we really know what we are talking about when we say we are “stressed”. What is stress, really? Stress is anything which causes a person to feel unable to cope or pressured beyond what is comfortable, from feeling the urgency of a looming deadline to the blind panic one might feel whilst running from a dangerous predator. Both these examples place the person under stress to a degree.
Types of stress: internal and external
The term ‘stress’ is used in both physics and psychology. Both mean similar things, something is causing the system (you) to move beyond a state of equilibrium. When applied to humans, stress can be anything that causes feelings of pressure, tension or discomfort. There are generally two types of stress that humans experience: Internal stress and External Stressors.
Internal stress is stress arising from thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations (feeling hungry, tired, sick) and as a result of trauma. All these things increase tension which we experience as “stress”.
External stressors can come in the form of time constraints, deadlines, traffic, obligations, appointments, demands from others and financial burdens. These are all forms of external stress.
They both play off each other, in that external stressors cause internal stress, and internal stress can make it more difficult to adapt to external stressors.
Dealing with internal stress
Managing internal stress can be tricky. Much of it happens below the level of consciousness and it can seem like our thoughts, reactions and emotions are automatic or just ‘how we are’. This is not the case. Internal stress can be managed by increasing awareness of the content of our thoughts; paying close attention to the words we are saying to ourselves in private, tuning in to our emotional responses; asking questions of oneself such as, what sensations are present when I think these thoughts and generally listening to our body. Sometimes we are just tired, hungry, angry or thirsty. Sometimes, managing stress can be as simple as tending to our physical needs as they arise. For example, you might be tempted to work through lunch because you feel stressed about the volume of work you have to get through. However, working on an empty stomach makes it difficult to focus and you end up making a mistake. This ends up increasing your feelings of stress and overwhelm. If you had stopped when you were hungry and had something to eat, you would have saved yourself hassle later on.
Given that internal stress affects our thoughts, how we feel, and our actions, it is important to have tools on hand to manage all three types of internal stress. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) strategies and Mindfulness based behavioural therapies (such as DBT, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy and Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction are all good therapies for understanding how our thoughts, emotions and actions affect each other, and how getting a handle on how these three things can impact our ability to manage stress.
Managing stressful thoughts
Often the way we think about a situation causes us to feel differently. For example, if we think of things in a negative way then we are likely to feel upset and that may cause us to act irrationally or impulsively. And, usually when we act from a stressful place, we usually end up doing things that ultimately make our situation worse, and that of course, leads to more stress. For example, you get invited to dinner with a group of people you don’t really know all that well. This is a situation in which a lot of people may experience some nervousness or anxiety about anyway. However, if your mind starts coming up with thoughts such as “I’m hopeless in these situations, I never know what to say, What if nobody wants to talk to me, Why am I so ridiculous… You get the idea, it’s easy to see how one negative thought leads to another, and another, and how pretty soon the idea of cancelling altogether seems like a good idea. However, if you had stopped yourself at any point from thinking these thoughts and consciously made a decision to think different thoughts, more positive or even neutral thoughts, the negative thought train may not have had a chance to build momentum. Learning how to tune into your thoughts and deciding whether or not these thoughts are helpful, useful or accurate takes time and patience, but it is a skill well worth practicing. At first, you may find that you have already allowed your thoughts to get the better of you and have already acted on those thoughts and are feeling regretful before you remember that you are supposed to be practicing this new skill. Don’t let that worry you. At least you picked up, albeit after that fact, that you could have chosen to think differently. Keep at it, eventually you will catch yourself mid-negative thought and actively change how you think about a situation and then choosing more positive thoughts, change how your feel and act. It takes courage, patience and practice but it gets easier the more you try.
Handling stressful emotions
Focusing on your thoughts, thinking patterns, unhelpful beliefs about yourself is a great start. However, sometimes, stress seems to hit us out of the blue. Like an emotional storm that feels uncontrollable and all consuming. It all happens so fast that before we know it, we have said something, done something or taken something we regret. When this happens, our ability to think, act rationally or even speak can be affected. The opposite can also be true. Emotional stress can build up gradually, or we may experience a series of emotionally stressful events. Sometimes, our tendency is to ignore these feelings, to push them down, or to sometimes drink or use substances as a way of ‘self-medicating’ or coping. This can sometimes go on for some time and become a way of being and merely existing, but it is not really thriving or sustainable.
The best way to handle emotional storms or feelings is to stop. That is, stop whatever it is you are doing, pay attention to the feeling or the emotions as they are happening. If you are in the middle of an emotional storm, you often act out that emotion in ways that you usually regret. The best thing you can do if you find yourself in an overwhelming emotional storm is to hold on and wait for it to pass, and it will. Ground yourself in the present moment, (breath, feel something, look at something in the room) and count to 10, breathing in and out slowly as you do. Sometimes, going for a quick walk or a run can do wonders to settle an emotional storm. And yes, it’s o.k. to cry if you want to.
Learning to experience, process and attend to your feelings as they happen is also a skill that may take some practice. Sometimes, we have old ideas about feelings that may hold us back from experiencing certain emotions. Old “programming” from childhood that may tell us that this emotion Is bad, or not acceptable. What is important to know is that all emotions are healthy, and are neither right nor wrong, they just are. They are our truth in the moment. Emotions don’t harm us it is what we do to avoid feeling those emotions or when we allow our emotions to get the better of us that causes the most damage.
Stress inducing habits
Sometimes, stress can encourage us to take short-cuts in an attempt to manage day to day or because we fear dealing with the underlying cause of our stress. Sometimes this fear is valid. We may have responsibilities, debts to pay, or children to look after and taking time out to manage our stress properly can sometimes seem like too much of a big issue to tackle, or it can slip way down on the ‘priorities’ list of school runs, work meetings, deadlines and bills etc. However, often the short-cuts we take to manage our stress in the sort term unfortunately tend to be not so good for us in the medium to long term. Alcohol, just for example, can lead to serious health problems, relationship issues, loss of time and even premature death in some cases (car accidents, mishaps, violence). In-fact, addictions in general are linked quite strongly with childhood trauma and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Trauma reactions generally increase stress in the body and an affected person may be more likely to turn to addictive behaviours or substances as a way of coping with the ‘unspeakable’. However, it is important to know that addictions don’t really solve a problem, they just delay the inevitable. Other stress inducing habits include poor time-management, staying up late (when you know you have to get up early the following day), eating junk or takeaway food in the name of ‘convenience’, leaving things to the last minute rather than attending to them as they arise,
External stress as stated above involves stress that is external to you. First thing I recommend is doing what I call a ‘stress audit’. That involves simply writing down a list of all those things that cause you stress and working out what items you can do something about and those you can’t. For a very simple example, driving to work often causes a lot of stress because the traffic is out of control and getting worse. Consider taking public transport or leaving 15 minutes earlier. Or if your work is flexible, arrange for a later start time to avoid the peak hour crush. That is a very simple example and granted, there are some stressful situations which are out of your control. For those situations, practice letting go of struggling with unhelpful thoughts related to a situation you cannot control and try to focus your attention on those things that you can do something about. However, for those things that are in your control, small changes can add up to huge benefits when you put your mind to useful thinking and problem solving.
Making concrete lifestyle changes can be challenging, especially when coupled with having to give up an addiction or habit which previously seemed like your only way of managing or coping. It is well worth the effort however when you find out how to properly deal with stress in ways that truly benefit you and those around you.
Complex trauma and stress management
O.k. time for a disclaimer. The above advice is general in nature and you should consider your individual circumstances before following my or any advice you read on the internet for that matter!
However, I do want to acknowledge for some people who have experienced significant and extended trauma or who suffer with the effects of Complex-PTSD the above information may seem contrite or over-simplistic for your situation. I get it, however, trauma is not what happened to us but how our body responds to what has happened. This response creates added intensity to our experiences of and dampens our ability to handle every-day stress. The above techniques and ideas may not be and is not intended to be an overarching solution to complex stress, but the basic ideas are sound and can help with some of the effects of complex trauma such as anxiety, addiction, depression and avoidance.
If you are experiencing the above symptoms, seek out help. Your GP is often the first port of call however, it is easier than ever to find a therapist online or try out some of these online based courses for managing stress and anxiety. Most of them are free too which is not a bad thing.
So, you have completed detox and you have promised yourself, and others, that you will stay sober.
Now what?
Recovery is about more than just quitting a particular substance, like alcohol or drugs, or stopping an unwanted behaviour, such as gambling or masturbating to porn. (If it were that easy, there would be no reason for me to be writing this guide!) Recovery is a personal journey, and it is different for everybody. For many, it is essentially a journey into unknown territory, so it is essential to have a plan, or at least a compass to make sure you don’t get lost or keep going around in circles, like the diagram above which shows the stages of change conceptualised by psychologists Prochaska and Di Clemente. The more times you cycle through the different stages, the easier it gets apparently, there-for creating more of an upward spiral, rather than a repetitive cycle.
But how can you turn your cycle of change into an upward spiral instead of a merry-go-round that never ends? Rehabilitation services are lengthy for a reason. It takes time to undo months, or sometimes years of dependency and habitual use of alcohol, drugs or unhealthy behaviours that have developed over time. But, not everyone can take the time to attend an inpatient service, or have obligations to family, pets or work commitments. If you fit into this category, and you have just completed a detox of some sort, then the below are essential for improving your chances of success this time around.
The Change Spiral according to Prochaska & Di Clemente
Recovery Essentials:
1. Get the basics right. Focus on sleeping, diet, exercise, taking prescribed medication as directed, water, nutrition. Getting as good a night’s sleep as possible is the single most beneficial thing you can do to improve your physical, mental and emotional health. Look up sleep hygiene for some tips on getting a good night’s sleep. Watch what you eat, move away from fast or pre-packaged food and try to fit in some home cooking. Look up recipes on YouTube or ask a friend to help if you can. Drink plenty of water. Take any medication as prescribed. Exercise daily. Give your body the love and care it deserves, even if you don’t feel like doing so at times.
2. Connect. Find a peer support group. AA and other 12 step groups or SMART recovery are both free support groups for anyone reaching out for help. The benefits of finding and connecting with a group to support you have been well documented. Informal friends, online supports and communities are also available nowadays thanks to the internet. Recovery can feel like a lonely place. It helps to know you are not alone.
3. Counselling. See a counsellor or psychologist regularly. Counselling in conjunction with peer support can help you to explore, reflect on and focus on your recovery goals with a supportive, compassionate other. Understanding what led to your addiction can help provide insight, motivation and direction when needed. Simply having someone to talk to, honestly, about your journey can be invaluable.
4. Utilize day programs. Free day programs are available, use them if you are not working or studying full time. Look up out-patient rehabilitation services in your area. Most day programs run 3 times a week, some are daily for 6 -12 weeks on average. Day programs are helpful when you have commitments to children or pets as you get to go home each day.
5. Talk – to your friends, family and community. Addiction is often clouded in shame. Because of this, many people find it difficult to talk about their struggles. Shame thrives on silence. I’m not saying, shout it from the rooftops, however, those closest to you care about you and are in most cases willing to help. Of course, it is important to be discerning when it comes to who is worth sharing with but don’t think you are in this alone. Connection is the opposite of addiction. This is another reason why formal support groups such as AA or SMART Recovery are so valuable.
6. Read, listen, watch. There is a lot of ‘quit lit’ out there, starting with the big book of AA (worth a read). If reading is not your thing, check out podcasts, apps and watch YouTube videos about recovery. Learn from others and educate yourself on addiction, brain science and the latest interventions. You will feel less alone and it will help you to stay motivated to continue with your sobriety.
7. Cleanse. Cleanse your device, your social media feed and your life of all potential triggers or people that remind you of your addiction, as much as possible. It is important that you prioritise your recovery especially in the early days/months. Detox is not just for your body. In many instances, detoxification is a process of systematically removing those things, people, places and habits from your life that no longer serve you. You may have to delete several numbers from your phone. At the very least, delete and block your dealer’s number!
8. Get creative or busy. Write, draw, paint, sculpt, tinker, redecorate, fix, repair, renovate, plant something, play something, collect something. Use that brain and fire up those neurons in a way that stimulates novel thinking. Creative pursuits and hobbies can also help with stress reduction.
9. Learn something. If you are not working full-time, recovery is a great opportunity to re-train or up-skill. If there is something you’ve always wanted to learn to do, now is the time to do it. Learn a new language. Learn how to play an instrument. Take a short course or go back to school/uni. Use that newly created space which you created in a positive way. Make a decision to only add things to your life that are joyful, positive or beneficial to you in some way, which brings me to my last point…
10. Cultivate a mindfulness practice. Whether in the form of a formal meditation practice, or simply moments of ‘dropping in’ to the present moment throughout the day. Learning how to pay attention to the present, mindfully, non-judgementally and on purpose is the essence of mindfulness and will help you immensely with your newfound sobriety. In a sense, mindfulness is also the opposite of addiction in that it is the opposite of what happens when we are intoxicated, drunk or high or in some other way ‘out of our minds’. Learning how to tend to ourselves in the present, to sit with and accept all our thoughts, emotions and sensations without trying to change or avoid them takes practice but is worth the effort. In essence you are learning how to be yourself, to be with your self and to accept yourself as you are, compassionately and non-judgementally. There are many resources, including apps, websites and books on Mindfulness available now, a simple internet search will provide you with a tonne of information.
So that’s it. My top 10 essentials for a successful recovery and relapse prevention plan. Of course, this list is not exhaustive but if you think I have left anything out that should be there please feel free to comment below.
Can we be addicted to negative emotions? Such as outrage, anxiety, fear, anger, depression, guilt or feeling ‘hard done by’?
We normally associate addictions with more or less positive things. Substances and behaviours that make us feel good or better in some way. Alcohol, helps us to relax, or feel happier or intoxicated. Cannabis can help us to chill, calm down or get lost in the music. Amphetamines can makes us feel confident, energised or ‘on top of the world’. Porn can makes us feel powerful, in control and aroused. All these things can help us to forget or distract us from pain, discomfort or relieve stress in some way. So it would make sense that some of us could get ‘addicted’ (attached to if one goes by the old definition of addiction as I discuss in an earlier post Why is the word addiction so controversial?) to these sorts of things. However, it has recently occurred to me that perhaps we can also become addicted to negativity in some way.
You may balk at the suggestion. Anxiety feels awful. Depression is terrible. Why would anyone want to continue with such negative emotions? I guess one needs to look at the pay off. What does one get by continuing with these emotional states that make us feel bad or worse in some way. Or, another way to look at it is, what do you get out of doing by continuing to feed the negative emotion?
Let’s take anxiety as an example. What does anxiety stop you from doing that you might otherwise do. Drive a car? Get a job? What do you get to do by not doing those things…. well you get to avoid the discomfort, fear and the possibility that you may get hurt in some way. You get to feel safe. You get to avoid uncertainty. And you get to avoid having to change. And, ever notice how the more you give in to your anxiety, and the more you allow depression to weigh on you the bigger and heavier they tend to get? It’s as if you are carrying around a heavy load or burden around with you…
Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, spiritual teacher and all round amazing human often talks about the concept of the “pain body“. The concept of the pain body is a strange one to get your head around. It is, according to Tolle, made up of all the slights, painful experiences and unfinished business that you carry around with you in your body, unconsciously. Any painful experience or trauma memory that has not been adequately faced or resolved at the time it occurred becomes part of our pain-body. In a healthy person, it may lay dormant most of the time, but some people live entirely through and completely identify with their “pain-body”.
Your pain-body can be awakened or ‘triggered’ by anything – an event, a person, an argument, a situation. Often it is awakened by something that happens to remind us of a past trauma or event. The current painful event awakens the pain-body and in that moment we become the pain-body. That is, we identify with our pain-body 100%. In ACT we call that “fusion“. Fusion is when we are so caught up in our beliefs, thoughts, memories, or pain that we believe those thoughts and are overwhelmed by the emotion generated that we in a sense, stuck to those thoughts, so much so that we become those thoughts.
The pain-body wants to live, according to Tolle, like any other entity, and it feeds on negativity and pain. And, the more we feed it, the more it wants and the stronger it gets. When we are living through pain, or in our pain-body, it can seem as if everything and everyone is against us. We see the world in terms of black or white, us vs them, good and evil. When we are in pain, we often lash out at others, and want others to be in pain too. We want to be right about our pain and therefor unconsciously seek more pain in order to prove ourselves right about how bad everything really is. The more we live through our pain-body the bigger, stronger and more dominant it becomes.
When we identify 100% with our painful thoughts and memories, we can sometimes act in ways that are unhelpful, hurtful to ourselves and others and are generally unpleasant to be around. We can act in ways that take us further and further away from our goals, values and true self. When we act in the service of our pain-body, we may think that we are doing something about our pain, but we often act in ways that bring us more pain. I am reminded of another famous quote by Eckhart Tolle which is,
addiction starts and ends in pain.
We can also become so used to being in our pain-body that we may come to prefer it. We may become more comfortable being angry, depressed or outraged that we no longer remember what it is like to not be those things. In essence, we can become addicted or attached to our pain because for some of us, that is how we identify.
But there is another way to be. When we realise that the only power our pain-body, or our trauma history, has over us is the power we give it then that is the first step towards becoming free of our free-loading pain-bodies. Often in therapy, at some point in time clients often say they feel lighter, more at ease, or as if a weight has been lifted from them. Maybe, this is their pain-body dissolving? It is worth a thought.
A positive affirmation to help dismiss or weaken our own body of painful experiences:
The only power the past has over me is the power I allow it to have.
Exploring the Lived Experience of Problematic Users of Internet Pornography– A Qualitative Study is a research project I conducted as part of the requirements for the Master of Counselling & Psychotherapy course I have recently (finally) completed. This paper was published in the peer reviewed journal Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, published by Taylor & Francis. In this post I reflect on what it was like to research this topic and I share some of the responses I received which highlight, to me, the seriousness of this emerging problem.
In 2019 I completed the last few subjects of a Master of Counselling & Psychotherapy course I had started in 2016. As a qualified counsellor, working as a clinician in a youth mental health service at the time, I decided to take my time and just work through the units one subject at time. With a couple of semesters off here and there, three years later I was happy to see the end in sight with the last hurdle being the big research project which took up 4 out of the 12 units I needed to pass to complete the course.
I decided to do my research project on sex “addiction”, specifically, problematic use of internet pornography (note, there is no DSM diagnosis of sex addiction, to date, however, the ICD-11 now has a diagnosis of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour (CSB) disorder, which covers problematic sexual behaviours.) Having encountered several young male clients through the youth mental health service I worked at who were experiencing problems with their porn use, as well as previous experience with a partner who disclosed his own struggles with porn use (which I initially discounted as nothing to worry about!) – I thought there was something to this issue which needed to be looked into further. At that time, (2015 ) when I first started to research the literature on problematic internet porn use, I was completely unaware of the extent of the problem. In my informal research, however, I found the website www.yourbrainonporn.com and Gary Wilson’s now infamous TED talk (The Great Porn Experiment) and other TED talks on the subject, which was a wealth of information as well as an eye-opener. In my academic research I found some very interesting papers, including A. Cooper’s prophetic 1998 paper: Sexuality and The Internet: Surfing into the New Millennium which described some of the ways the internet was having an effect on human sexuality. In this paper, which has been well cited, Cooper highlights three factors related to porn on the internet which he predicted, accurately it seems, would transform human sexuality. These were access, affordability and anonymity. Access: most smart phones can access a plethora of porn and sexual partners with the click of a mouse. Affordability: most internet porn is accessible for free or a very low cost. Anonyminity: users can remain anonymousThe results of these three factors has resulted in an explosion of pornography on the internet and to give you just a drop-in-the-ocean statistic, Porn Hub boasted a whopping 42 billion visits in 2019 alone. And that’s just one website. That figure alone is staggering. (In my literature review which forms part of my research report I provide an extensive overview of the literature for and against the conceptualization of problematic porn use as an addiction.)
But despite these numbers and the overwhelming amount of academic research I found, including this 2019 review which did a pretty good job of summarizing the research and some of the controversy surrounding the, still ongoing, debate on sex and pornography, there are some who insist on downplaying the issue. Despite the inclusion of CSB disorder in the World Health Organization’s ICD-11, I found articles which went so far as to say Sex Addiction and Porn Addiction “do not exist”, or were not “real” or a “myth” and that believing you are addicted to porn is the cause of your symptoms, not the result of engaging with porn itself. I noticed pretty quickly that these authors tend to selectively quote studies which support their position, whilst stating that there is no “scientific evidence” to support the notion of sex or porn addiction (I found plenty). These types of articles all seem to share common themes; that religious beliefs or morality play a big part in why people struggle with porn use, and that those who voice any opposition or concern about the effects of excessive porn use are “anti-sex” moral crusaders, puritans or religious prudes. Granted there is the understandable concern that the term “sex addiction” is problematic in that it could potentially pathologize activity that is just a normal variant of a natural human behaviour, but their contention that porn addiction does not “exist” is “harmless” or is beneficial to society is itself problematic. Granted, there is evidence that moral conflict about pornography plays a part in users’ distress, (how could it not) however, it is a factor only, there are others. Rarely do they mention the potential effects of exposure to extreme pornography on children, the extreme and highly concerning content available to anyone, the links between internet pornography and sex-trafficking and rarely do they take into account the ocean of anecdotal evidence from users themselves. If anything, pro-porn advocates actively dismiss the growing tide of anecdotal evidence to be found online.
So, what’s the real story here? Are users getting addicted to internet pornography use, or not? Or are we too hung up on semantics? Does it really matter whether we label something an addiction or not anyway? In the end I suspect not, however, to blanket deny that there is an issue is the height of irresponsibility, somewhat delusional and invalidating in the extreme for those who self-identify as problematic users of internet pornography, or “porn addicts” – for want of a shorter term. Perhaps the issue is the word “addiction” and what can and can’t be called an addiction, medically speaking. Well, that is a topic for a whole other post, but if we can get over the linguistics for a moment, surely, what really matters here is that people, men mostly and their families, are suffering. Why, in this age of #metoo am I so interested in men’s suffering? Because, as a society, we cannot afford to ignore men and their suffering because men who suffer often effect others around them negatively too. Children, partners, other men and society in general. We all have a stake in this issue. That is why, for my research I wanted to find out why there are more and more people turning up on internet forums and sub-reddits, such as nofap and reboot nation to name two of the most popular ones, complaining of their struggle to give up porn and related problems, which they attribute to their ongoing and excessive use of internet pornography and masturbation.
Qualitative research is used in the social sciences to describe something in detail and more depth. It mainly uses words rather than statistics and is not meant to be generalized, but rather a deep dive into a particular topic. It is specific and often descriptive. My study took the form of an online anonymous survey of 20 open ended questions which asked participants who self-identified as problem users of internet porn, to write about their experiences. The questions asked were general and required participants to write out answers in their own words. There was no word limit, so I got a broad selection of answers, some short and to the point and some lengthy and detailed.
The survey was live for around 6 weeks and altogether 53 participants took the time to answer all 20 questions and submit their responses. I remember reading the first few survey responses as they came in, and immediately started highlighting and taking notes of what I was finding. I was firstly surprised at the level of apparent openness and honesty of some of the answers. It soon became apparent to me that these participants, (99% men), had clearly struggled with an issue that was bigger and more formidable then they had first thought. Concerningly, many reported first accessing online pornography as children, and the youngest said he was 6-years-old the first time he viewed internet pornography:
I must’ve been aged 6, I was laying in bed—alone—flicking through channels, & from nowhere came, well, porn. I can distinctly remember being: traumatised, intrigued, disgusted & aroused. My innocent infantile mind couldn’t process it.
At the other end of the scale, one man reported first finding online pornography at age 40. As you can see, quite an age range. Yet, the average age of first-time-viewers of porn on the internet turned out to be 14.89 years. I put together some super-simple stats that came out of the study below.
36% (19) respondents mentioned erectile dysfunction (ED) or weak/flaccid erections or inability to maintain an erection during actual sex.
70% (32) respondents report engaging with online porn instead of doing other important tasks, such as going to school, university or work
88% (46) reported their porn tastes changing or escalating to more extreme porn over time.
Only 9 mentioned seeking professional help for this issue.
Whilst my study was very small, only 53 complete responses, the answers were far richer and more detailed than I had even hoped for. It was overwhelming to be honest. After painstakingly coding and collating the codes into themes, I slowly built up a picture of what it means to live with a pornography consumption and masturbation problem. And while I ended up with three main themes, the one overarching feeling I personally got after reading through answers could be summed up in one word: Loneliness.
Loneliness, disconnection, isolation, feeling cut-off from other people and society, an overwhelming inability to engage with other human beings, and ultimately the Self, in a positive, meaningful, joyful or authentic way. The spectre of porn addiction appears to cast a long, diffuse and murky shadow on its followers, and it looks to be one that many users struggle to get themselves free of. Comorbidity is a factor (as it is in substance addiction) however, that does not discount the specific issues reported that seem to be directly related to these users’ excessive porn use.
But enough from me, the whole point of my study was to essentially let the data speak for itself. I will certainly post a link to my study when it gets published, but in the meantime, in order to do justice to the participants who took time out of their day to share their experiences, I thought I would post a “sampler” if you will of some of the particularly poignant responses I received, of which there were many. Too many to post here.
“After 16 years old, after my tastes escalated, I was very sad (nearly depressed). I had low self confidence, ashamed of myself and some social anxiety. I had no concentration also, porn may be related. I had no love or desire to search someone other than to have sex or for the social benefit of it (bragging to friends). So I had no relationships during highschool, I think porn impacted it deeply. In the beginning of college, I was alone in my appartment so I could watch when I wanted. Then I developed a very strong social anxiety, I was very stressed. I was very depressed as well, it occurs a lot when I drank alcohol. I still had friends but no love relationships. No erection without porn. Less ambition. I was more introverted and not very open to people.”
“I have never been in a serious relationship. My sex life is non-existent and I have an unhealthy sexual ideal. I have noticed mental, emotional and physical symptoms similar to the high and crash from drugs/alcohol. During the time in adolescence that I should have been learning and building social skills and healthy connections, I isolated and defaulted to porn and video games as well. Instead of pursuing real sexual relations and healthy friendships with women, porn has served an easier, quicker solution.”
“Guilt. The sense that I continue to let myself down, and let others down. The fact that it has any kind of hold over me is disconcerting. Then there is the sheer amount of time I have spent viewing internet porn rather than doing something constructive.”
“I’m lonely and depressed. I’m scared of trying to connect with women and commit to stopping because I’m ashamed of being inexperienced.”
“I’m not doing well in life, i barely have sex i love fapping ive become an under achiever and have achieved nothing worthwhile i entertain too much i dont sow but wish to reap a huge crop.”
“For a very long time I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, loneliness and isolation and it’s difficult to determine what is the relationship of my porn use to these problems. On the one hand, porn has brought me relief and even a better mood in many difficult moments. On the other hand, porn might have influenced my view of women in a negative way.”
“It took away my ability to process the world with any emotion. My porn use put me into a state of emotional and social withdrawal in almost every aspect of my life, and because of that, I suffered significantly socially, romantically and academically. I lost many years of my development because I could not feel any pleasure and I could not make sense of the world – my mind was in a state of constant turmoil.”
“I never had a partner because porn kept me from even looking for one. I was scared to interact with someone in general but then also having to slowly bond with them and constantly working on maintaining a relationship seemed like too much of a struggle and not worth pursuing. Porn was a way easier “fix” for my loneliness.”
“I don’t really have relationships. That’s why I view internet porn. But a couple of times I’ve come out of short-term relationships and felt a sense of relief that came from knowing I was free to go back to internet porn, and I know that that can’t be a good thing.”
The above are direct quotes from the survey responses I received as such they have not been edited. As I said, these are just some of the answers received to my survey. I just want to take the opportunity to say a big thank you to all the participants who took time to complete the survey. I was humbled by their honesty, vulnerability and willingness to participate. I wish anyone struggling with this issue healing, connection and encouragement to seek help and support. Some resources are listed below. I am currently taking on a limited number of private clients (via Zoom only) for individual therapy. My counselling website is www.francescapcounselling.com
At the time of writing, there are now numerous studies including several reviews of internet pornography use, which indicate that compulsive use of internet pornography, like drugs or alcohol, is addictive. Yet there are some researchers, scientists and even clinicians who refuse to accept that sex or internet pornography can become addictive. They are a relatively small group but, as the saying goes, small does not mean quiet. In-fact, they are very vocal with their assertions and are often cited in the general media as “experts” in the field. One of the more prominent ones even offered therapy advice via an internet pornography cam site. In-fact a casual search on the internet will net you many articles claiming to ‘debunk’ the ‘myth’ of sex and/or porn addiction, citing a select few researchers and studies which support their “porn is harmless” stance or to explain the reported negative effects as the “belief” that you are addicted to porn that is a problem, not your viewing habits themselves. There also seems to be a current and ongoing Twitter battle for the hearts and minds of anyone who cares to listen on what can and cannot be called an “addiction”.
Why is this so? Anyone who cares to do their own actual research into the matter will find many studies and a growing number of systematic reviews of the research (a systematic review is when you do a search of a topic, collate all the studies you find, and attempt to come to some consensus of what the studies are reporting). However, Gary Wilson of the website Your Brain on Porn has a very thorough job of collating a long list of reviews and studies on the effects of porn which you can access here – if you have a free week or so to wade through them all! One thing I can tell you at a glance is that these studies are all primarily peer reviewed research articles and some are reviews of the research. It is hard to argue against the sheer volume of literature out there now on the topic, yet the T’war (Twitter War) rages on. There are even legal proceedings underway indicating that what started out as an academic debate is now getting real-world serious, with a number of individuals filing defamation suits against one particular researcher who seems to have taken things very personal indeed.
My own thorough review of the literature, which my own study supports, is that the research on problematic pornography use is leaning towards the classification of this phenomenon as a ‘behavioural’ addiction. Meaning, the person is “addicted” to an activity or behaviour, rather than a substance. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has already included one behavioural addiction in its category called “Substance Use & Addictive Disorders” (APA, 2013). However, interestingly, the terminology of the DSM-5 does not use the word “addiction” to describe any of the diagnoses in this category, despite the use of the term “addictive” in the category heading. In fact, as Richard et al. (2019) point out, they specifically state that the use of the word “addiction” has been removed because of its “uncertain definition and its potentially negative connotation’ (APA, 2013, p. 485). Despite its seemingly awkward welcome/not welcome guest status, the word “addiction” refuses to leave the party graciously. It continues to hang around in common usage and in both academic and social media circles, lurking about like the friend that no-one wants to admit knowing.
So why is the word “addiction” so controversial?
At the centre of this academic and social media tempest seems to be the word “addiction” itself. In order to make some sense of the passionate debate that is still raging as we speak, I thought it might be time to take a closer look at this currently unfashionable, problematic yet persistently sticky word “addiction”. Firstly, I shall look at some definitions, then I will attempt to look at the history of the word and finally I will add my own, humble, opinion at the end.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) defines addiction broadly, as “a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviours. Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioural control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviours and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response.”
The Centre on Addiction’s definition of addiction is similarly broad, “Addiction is a complex disease, often chronic in nature, which affects the functioning of the brain and body. It also causes serious damage to families, relationships, schools, workplaces and neighbourhoods. The most common symptoms of addiction are severe loss of control, continued use despite serious consequences, preoccupation with using, failed attempts to quit, tolerance and withdrawal.”
Popular psychology website, Psychology Today states that a “person with an addiction uses a substance, or engages in a behaviour, for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeat the activity, despite detrimental consequences. Addiction may involve the use of substances such as alcohol, inhalants, opioids, cocaine, and nicotine, or behaviours such as gambling.”
The APS defines addiction in terms of criteria for diagnosis relating to substance use disorders, and only mentions gambling and internet gaming as examples of behavioural addictions in line with the DSM it publishes.
Of course, there are others but I’m sure you get the idea. The common theme seems to be this: Addiction affects the reward centre of the brain, which causes the addicted person to want to engage in the activity or use the substance repeatedly, which in time causes the person to be unable to stop or reduce using the substance despite wanting to, and in the face of increasing problems caused by the addiction. But what does the actual word “addiction” mean and where does it come from?
Etymology of Addiction
According to Richard et al., (2019) the word addiction has a long and interesting history. It originally appears in the early Roman republic. The latin root addicere, was used as a legal term meaning “to speak to”. In the later Roman period, it was also used to describe indebtedness, usually in relation to gambling debts. In Roman times the person (addictus) who owned a gambling debt was in a sense, attached or enslaved to his debtor until the debt was paid. By Elizabethan times it was used to describe an intense attachment to some person, cause or object. Mostly the word “addict” was used as a verb, as in to attach or devote oneself to something. Attachments could be either positive or negative, so the use of the verb was in itself neutral. Richard et al. (2019) argue that it is the flexibility of the word addiction and its ability to be used to denote either an extremely negative or positive attachment which has led to its longevity and popularity in common usage, as well as causing diagnostic ambivalence.
The connecting of the words addiction and attachment makes a lot of sense to me clinically. While running a substance-use recovery group for offenders, I would often start the group with an activity which involved various definitions of the word “addiction” in order to facilitate discussion. There were various definitions, including some medical, some from official sources such as the DSM and some quotes from famous ex-users. I would then ask the group members to choose which quote they felt mostly described their own experience. Most often the users chose a quote by Dr Patrick Carnes, (who specializes in treating sex-addiction and has written several books on the topic including, Out of the Shadows ) in which he describes addiction as a “pathological relationship”. That this quote, written by a sex addiction specialist, was the one that these men would choose most often is interesting to me. They would then go on to describe their relationship to drugs as the most intimate, reliable and consistent relationship they had experienced. Their attachment to their drug of choice was very real and often, it had been the only thing they could turn to for comfort. Most of these men had histories of dysfunctional, abusive family lives, and most often they were let down by the very people you and I expect to be able to trust, again and again. No wonder their attachment, their addiction to their substance was so hard to give up. Carnes goes on to say that the pathological relationship with sex is a replacement for a healthy relationship with people. The same can be said for excessive substance users, problem gambling and those who consume pornography compulsively, which is what my own research documented:
“I don’t really have relationships. That’s why I view internet porn. But a couple of times I’ve come out of short-term relationships and felt a sense of relief that came from knowing I was free to go back to internet porn, and I know that that can’t be a good thing”
If we take the word “addiction” to mean simply an attachment, devotion, or enslavement to something, whether it be a substance, like alcohol or drugs, or an activity, like gambling, gaming or internet pornography, then the term addiction does seem to fit, at least as a descriptive term if not a diagnostic one. Any negative connotation to the word may well be attached to the substance or the behaviour which becomes problematic in that case, not the word “addiction” itself. Furthermore, those headlines claiming that porn addiction “does not exist” or is a “myth” because it is not listed as a diagnosis in the DSM are technically correct, because, in the current DSM there is no disorder with the actual term “addiction” listed at all. They are all disorders attached to the substance or behaviour, as in Alcohol Use Disorder or Opioid Use Disorder etc. – even though all these disorders fall under the umbrella of Substance Use & Addictive Behaviours.
Goodman (2001) made a, still, convincing case for the term “sexual addiction” to describe the phenomena of sexually related behavioural problems. He noted the similarities between substance use disorder and sex addiction and found them to be almost identical. In the proceeding 20 years, advances in neuroscientific imaging have shown these similarities are observable in the brain. So, if the term “addiction” where to be removed from the debate what would we be left debating? That excessive and compulsive use of sex or pornography does no harm? That people who describe themselves as addicted to internet pornography are delusional or wrong? I don’t think that’s helpful at all. The fact is, problematic use of internet pornography and sex exists, and is a real problem for many. Those that are experiencing this phenomenon firsthand no doubt care less for what you want to call their affliction, but more about getting help, recovery and healing from this issue, whatever it is called. As a counsellor, it is not my job to debate with clients about whether or not their issue is a “real addiction” or not. My job is to listen, to help facilitate change and to support my client create a better life for themselves and loved ones.
American Psychiatric Association. 2013. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. 5th ed. Arlington, VA: Author.
Goodman, A. (2001) What’s in a name? Terminology for designating a syndrome of sexually driven behavior. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity. 8:191–213, 2001. DOI: 10.1080/107201601753459919
Richard J. Rosenthal & Suzanne B. Faris. (2019) The etymology and early history of ‘addiction’, Addiction Research & Theory, 27:5, 437-449, DOI: 10.1080/16066359.2018.1543412
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