Truth Joy Beauty

Just my thoughts and reflections about living and loving in the post-post modern age.

Some simple ACT strategies for managing urges, cravings and triggers

What is ACT?

ACT stands for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. ACT is a powerful way to learn how to manage anxiety by accepting your thoughts and feelings and taking control of your life by taking committed action in the present to create a more meaningful, richer life in the future. It has a lot of tools and helpers that you can use right now to help you with any uncomfortable thoughts, memories, worries, feelings or urges, cravings and triggers that may present themselves on your recovery journey, as they invariably do.

ACT uses mindfulness based strategies to help you get present. Getting present is the first and fastest way to take control of your meandering mind. Mindfulness can be described as focused attention on what is happening both internally and externally without trying to change, judge or struggle with whatever is happening for you in that moment. This allows you to take control and make better choices.

Following are some mindfulness based ACT strategies.

Contacting the present moment 

Grounding is a mindfulness based exercise which involves grounding yourself in the present moment in order to ride out any emotional storms that come your way.

The purpose of grounding yourself is not to make the storm go away or change how you feel about it but simply to hold you steady until the storm passes on its own.

What to do

When a painful feeling, thought or memory threatens to ‘capsize’ you don’t try to control it or push it away or bury it deep, instead;

  • Stop what you are doing.
  • Push both feet firmly into the floor
  • Clasp both hands firmly together
  • Take a deep breath in and let it out fully
  • Notice your pain…. and also notice the following
  • Notice 5 things in the room
  • Notice 3 or 4 things you can hear or smell
  • Notice the sensation of your body being supported in your chair or if you are standing, the feeling of standing on something solid. Feel the certainty of the ground beneath your feet holding you up.
  • Take another deep breath and remember that even though your pain feels and is real, so are these other things.

“Defusion” exercises

Defusion is another form of mindfulness which involves detaching yourself, ‘unhooking’, or creating some space between you and a disturbing, negative, worrying or otherwise unhelpful thought that has been getting in the way of you living the life or being the person you really want to be. There are many ways to practice defusion. Below are some simple strategies that can be done alone or with a therapist or another supportive person.

1 – I’m having the thought that…

One of the simplest ways of recognizing your thoughts for what they are (just words or images, floating in and out of our minds) is to put the phrase, “I’m having the thought that…” right before whatever your unhelpful thought may be. For example, if you are struggling with feeling unwanted or unloved you may have a thought that comes up for you frequently which is, “Nobody cares about me”.

When you have this thought all the time, it can understandably cause you to feel even more unwanted and unloved because you are ‘fused’ with the message of that thought, or to put it another way, you have convinced yourself that the thought is true and believe it 100 per cent. This causes you to feel even worse.

However, if you try changing, “nobody cares about me” to “I’m having the thought that nobody cares about me” – it suddenly takes on a different meaning. You are no longer telling yourself you are uncared for, you are simply recognising that you are having a thought about nobody caring. Notice the difference in how your feel when you put the words, “I’m having the thought that…” before such thoughts.

Naming the story

Often we tend to tell ourselves the same old thing on repeat. Like a broken record in your head, our minds tell us all sorts of things that are often remnants of old conversations, memories and messages that we may heard from parents, teachers or other adults from childhood. Often we find these thoughts are similar in some way and soon enough, you may notice that they tend to be variations on a theme. Often, it’s a variation on the “not good enough” story. Not this enough, not that enough etc. Whatever it is, once you recognise your stories it’s time to practice letting them go if they no longer serve you. Try the following exercise it order to do this, especially when a particularly triggering thought takes hold.

  1. Listen to your thoughts. What is your mind telling you. (Give yourself some time to do this, a few days or a week at least.)
  2. What are they? (If it helps, write them down)
  3. What’s the story?  Remember, it’s just a story. It can be true or false, correct or incorrect but is it helpful? Does it help me in any way to keep thinking this way?

If no, practice letting the thought go.

The Worry Later Plan

Take a deep breath and exhale completely before and after this exercise.

  1. First listen to your thoughts.
  2. What are they? What are you worrying about? (Write them down if it helps to clarify them.)
  3. Ask yourself this question; Can I do something about this right now?
  4. If yes, do it. No matter how small.
  5. If no, then let it go and worry about it later. (Sometimes you can schedule a time to worry about this particular issue. You can even set an alarm. Often you might find that when worry time comes, the thing you were worrying about may have dissipated.)

Mindful Stop

Do this anytime you are feeling uncertain, overwhelmed or anxious:

(This was taken from from Russ Harris’, The Happiness Trap)

Now here’s one especially useful, ultra-brief, and very simple mindfulness practice, that you can easily incorporate into your busy daily routine, no matter how pressed for time you are. I call it the mindful S.T.O.P. Here’s how it goes:

S – Slow down (slow down your breathing; or slowly press your feet into the floor; or slowly stretch your arms; or slowly press your fingertips together)
T – Take note (with a sense of curiosity, notice your thoughts & feelings; notice what you can see and hear and touch and taste and smell; notice where you are and what you are doing)
O – Open up (open up and make room for your thoughts & feelings, and allow them to freely flow through you; use any defusion or expansion skill you like)
P – Pursue values (reconnect with your values, and let them guide whatever you do next)

For more on mindful stop you can visit:

http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/how_to_do_a_mindful_s.t.o.p

Letting go

We often spend a lot of time struggling with unwanted thoughts, memories, fears or sensations. This often adds to our distress. For example, with anxiety, we might wish that we didn’t feel anxiety, we might tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel this way!” – then we might get angry about our anxiety, so before long we have anxiety, anger about our anxiety and soon enough we might start to feel depressed about our anger and our anxiety – so we now have 3 uncomfortable feelings that we are struggling with. Often our emotions become bigger or appear to be unmanageable when we refuse to look at them directly or are afraid to face them. Often, we find when we finally stop to notice and allow ourselves the luxury of experiencing our reality for what it is (instead of fighting with ourselves) we find our emotions aren’t as big and scary as we once thought. 

So, what if you were able to just let go of struggling with unwanted thoughts and experiences. What if, when anxiety came up instead of feeling dread or annoyance we just simply noticed it, acknowledged it and took a few deep breaths and carried on with our day? How would that change the way you manage stress and discomfort.

*

Try these exercises in your day to day life, you can use the “Mindful S.T.O.P” exercise every time you feel yourself beginning to struggle with an unwanted thought or experience. Pretty soon you won’t need to go through the all the steps, you will just be able to Notice, Acknowledge, Accept and Move On!
Finally, remember,  the point of power is always in the present moment.

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Why acceptance of anxiety is your best foot forward

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Anxiety is a part of life and a part of being human.

Life is by its nature uncertain. We try lots of different ways to feel secure and increase certainty in our lives but ultimately we really cannot control everything.

This creates anxiety for everyone to some degree.

According to ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy), there are three fundamentally different ways we can choose to approach anxiety: fusion, avoidance and acceptance.

Fusion

We can choose to allow anxiety to control us and dictate how we live our lives. We can choose to follow its demands and try to control things as much as we can to reduce it. Ultimately however this strategy does not work very well as there are more and more things that we find we can’t control and it’s hard to keep up with all the things anxiety tells us we need to do to feel ‘safe’. An example of this is agoraphobia. In the end, a person with this condition cannot leave home at all and their house becomes a prison. Anxiety can push us to do all kinds of silly things that seem to make perfect sense at the time, like calling that friend over and over again when they are 10 minutes late, or going back to check you’ve locked the door 20 times, just in case. Anxiety thrives on what ifs and the more we listen to its shrill, insistent call the less we allow ourselves to really live.

Avoidance

We can choose to try and rid ourselves of our anxious thoughts and feelings by avoiding them. This often takes the form of distraction or numbing. We can choose to distract ourselves from anxiety by a number of ways. Some distractions are healthier than others, for example, going to the gym or reading. However all distractions can become problematic if we engage in them too much or too often. Some distractions are pretty unhealthy from the get go, such as alcohol or other drugs. Some can be o.k. in small doses but can cause problems if we allow ourselves to get ‘hooked’ by the distraction – I am thinking of things like eating, gambling, surfing the net, watching a movie or even having sex. These are all potentially unhealthy distractions. In the end however, avoidance only works for a short time to relieve our anxiety, and we often find that when we come back to reality after spending time with our distractions, things have gotten much worse in our absence!

Acceptance

The third way we can choose to relate to our anxiety is to accept it for what it is. That is, make room for anxiety in your life. Expect anxiety as part of life and that it will come up at different times. In-fact, if we didn’t have any anxiety at all, we would get in trouble real quick! Acceptance doesn’t mean you want or like the feeling but simply that you are willing to allow it. Respect anxiety as a part of your humanity and in some ways, anxiety can sometimes even be helpful. I know it sounds crazy but learning to tune in to your anxiety and really listen to what it is trying to tell you can be really beneficial. Some people might call this level of attunement to our inner world intuition. Learning to tune into your anxiety can help you to distinguish what kind of anxiety you are experiencing. That is because anxiety is not a blanket, one size fits all emotion. There are different types of anxiety. For example, there is the anxiety that comes with staying stuck and the anxiety that comes with moving forward. Both generate anxiety but one is more of an excited type of feeling and the other, the former, is more of a sluggish, mucky type of anxiety. I know which anxiety I’d prefer to feel!

So there you have it. Three different ways to interact with anxiety. Which will you choose?

 

 

7 simple life hacks to commit to in 2018.

Forget New Years resolutions. The news is out! We are not victims of circumstance or biology. No matter what your past history entails, the good news is change is possible. Our brains are flexible and wired for change and adaptability. It’s called neuroplasticity. The more we practice a behaviour, whatever that behaviour is, the stronger that part of our brain becomes. In other words, we become what we do most.

So, becoming more conscious of what we do on a daily, hourly and moment to moment basis is the key to change. Whatever it is you want to start or stop doing, there is no time like the present to take a step in the right direction.

Here are seven ways that you can change your mind, and life, for the better with the help of mindfulness practices.

1. Live mindfully

…that is, consciously, with awareness and conscious choice. Living mindfully means bringing conscious awareness to everything you do. It doesn’t mean you have to spend hours a day meditating but even a few moments of pausing, breathing and noticing what you are experiencing without overthinking can help improve mood and manage daily stress.

2. Relate to experience directly

Try using your senses rather than through thinking, analyzing or judging all of the time. Take a moment to stop, notice and check in with your self. A simple mindfulness exercise is the 5×5 pause. Going through your five senses and noticing the first 5 things you see, hear, feel, smell and taste. (Taste is sometimes a difficult one, unless you are seated at a sushi train…yum!) However, by the time you get to taste, you will have mindfully checked in with yourself.

3. Stay in the present

Resist the urge to dwell on past events or worry about future “what ifs”. Staying present involves noticing and accepting your day to day, moment to moment experience as real and valuable. Whenever you find yourself time travelling in your mind try a simple 5×5 meditation or simply stop and notice your breathing for a few moments, to bring you back to now. You can also take a moment to look around you and notice the small details of your immediate environment. It’s amazing what you see when you stop to look.

4. Avoid avoiding all unpleasant feelings at any cost

Try to welcome all feelings and emotions as temporary messengers who have something important to tell you. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are and they do pass. Emotions are our body’s way of communicating our truest needs, desires and wants. We don’t have to follow our emotions or do what they tell us to every time, however, acknowledging your feelings is the first step towards honoring our truth. Knowledge is power after all.

5. Accept things as they now are and go from there

…instead of how you would like them to be. Don’t waste energy or time on struggling with discontent. The more you struggle with feelings of frustration, unfairness and anger regarding those things (or people) that you cannot change, the less energy you have to put into changing those things you can. Take a deep breath, and take control of the only things you can control, your own mouth, arms and legs!

6. Learn to see your thoughts as just thoughts, not facts or reality

Some thoughts are factual, some may have elements of truth and some may be completely incorrect – learn to choose which thoughts are most helpful to you rather than focusing on whether they are true or real. Our thoughts have the ability to influence our emotions and actions. But, thoughts are really just words, symbols and images floating in and out of your conscious mind. They are not who you are. Your thoughts do not define you. One of the core mindfulness processes is taking a step back from your thoughts and watching them come and go. Like clouds in the sky, or sushi on a sushi train! You can choose your thoughts just as you can choose your sushi. Focusing on thoughts gives them undue power  however so, choose your thoughts wisely.

7. Practice self-compassion daily.

Be kind to yourself. Learn and practice how to be your own best friend and treat yourself with the kindness, compassion and respect you really want. Watch what you say, do and how you treat you. If you find yourself saying, doing or treating yourself in a way that you would never treat a friend then that is a sign that you need to be more loving to you. Take some time every day to say a kind word to yourself or give yourself some praise or encouragement. It might be useful to practice daily affirmations like, I am doin the best I can with what I have or Every day I get a little better at being me.

There you go. Seven super simple New Year strategies to practice daily to improve your mind, reduce anxiety and stress without having to start a new exercise class or join anything.

Wishing you all a safe and enjoyable end of 2017!

 

What makes for a healthy relationship?

Relationships. Like it or not, we can’t really live without them. For better or worse, our world can be rocked by the quality of our relationships. That’s why our early relationships are so important. It’s from these early years that we learn a lot about what it means to be in relationship with another human being.

As babies and then small children, we rely on our caregivers (mothers, fathers, other adults) to show us what relating to another person involves. That is, how to act, what is and is not o.k., how to share, how to be alone and how to manage stressful situations. As babies and young children we trust the adults in our world to care for us. This makes it easier for us to explore our world, knowing that we can rely on our caregivers to be there when we need them.  This is what is known as secure attachment.

There are different types of attachment based on the quality of your early childhood relationships. According to attachment theory there are four basic attachment styles:

Secure, Anxious-ambivalent, Anxious-Avoidance and disorganized attachment. The theory goes that whilst we may have a dominant pattern or style of attachment, our attachment styles can change during our lifetime, depending on our adult relationships and experiences.

A healthy relationship mirrors a secure attachment.  In a healthy relationship we have a balance of security and independence. We feel safe with our partner and feel supported whilst also being free to follow our dreams. In a healthy relationship, our primary partner is our most important attachment but not our only attachment. There is room for friendships, family, career and self-fulfillment.

How do you know if you are in an healthy relationship? Well, the two wheel diagrams below help explain the difference. The Power & Control Wheel shows you what an abusive relationship is like so this is clearly not a healthy relationship. The Equality Wheel shows some elements of a healthy relationship, also pictured below.

 

 

DVWheel

 

EqualityWheel

 

I too have a list of elements or factors that I consider are essential for making a healthy, long lasting and rewarding relationship. This is my personal list of the sorts of things I consider to be important. I encourage you to think about and make up your own list. If your relationship is not as you would like it to be, perhaps counselling may help you and/or your partner have a look at why this is and what you can do about it.

My list of relationship toolbox essentials:

Communication – the couple that talk together, stay together.  If you can talk to your partner as if they were your best friend then chances are, when you are both older, greyer and hopefully wiser, you will still be able to just sit together and talk. When everything else fades, conversation is priceless.
The Comfortable Silence – Just as it is important to be able to talk well together, so is it important to be able to sit quietly in the same room together and not feel like you have to talk. Reading together, checking your social media feeds, watching TV or a movie, are all simple things that can be done quietly and contently.
Knowing the game plan – making sure you both want the same thing and are on the same page when it comes to the relationship’s strategic plan. Do you both want marriage, or not. Kids or not. Big wedding or elope to Las Vegas.? Whilst marriage and children are tricky topics to bring up, and perhaps not a good idea to do so on the first date, at some stage it has to be discussed. I had a good friend who spent 7 years with a man because she assumed he would want children at the appropriate time but when that time came, he made it clear that he did not. Ever. It was a heartbreaking situation.
Sex & Intimacy – Worthy of a blog post of it’s own, but in my humble opinion, sex is as important in a relationship as both parties deem it to be. Some couples are bonking all the time, some save it for a special occasion. For me, it’s about quality not quantity and as long as there is physical closeness, affection, intimacy and everyone’s needs are being met most of the time, that’s good enough for me.
Friendship – At the core of any romantic relationship in my book is a solid friendship. You know, the sort of friendship where it doesn’t matter what you do, if you’re doing it with your bestie then it’s a fun time.  Having a partner that is a best friend as well as a romantic partner is the best of both worlds as far as I am concerned.
Negotiating  – Sometimes you are not going to agree with your partner. He is not going to want to come to that family barbecue. She is not going to want to watch that movie with you. There are times when you both want different things. That’s when the ability to negotiate fairly becomes an essential tool in keeping your relationship healthy and thriving. Aiming for a win-win scenario, knowing when to concede a point, showing some restraint when it comes to pushing yours – the art and ability to negotiate is an invaluable relationship tool.
Time – The saying goes, All good things take time. And this is particularly true for relationships. If you are spending 50+ hours at work and are at the gym every other day then your relationship is going to suffer. Period. Likewise, if you cannot think of doing anything without your partner in tow or your partner won’t go anywhere without you then this is not ideal either. Finding a good balance of time spent together and apart is a delicate art at times, but one well worth trying to get right.
Laughter – Laughter is quintessentially human. Being able to laugh with (and sometimes at) your partner is a magical, beautiful thing. A relationship with plenty of laughter peppered throughout is like taking vitamins to keep your healthy on the inside. If you can laugh with your partner when things are going well then it just may be the balm you need to soothe the relationship when life gets more challenging.
Authenticity  –  the ability to truly be yourself when you are with the person you love is, to me, the most essential relationship factor. Feeling like you can say whatever is on your mind, take off your “professional” mask and relax with your significant other is so important. After all, having to pretend to be someone else for years can get pretty exhausting! If you can be your true self with your partner it makes the stress and anxiety that comes with every day life easier. I love that feeling of coming home to my partner and being able to just breathe a sigh of relief.

Well that is it for now. See if you can come up with your own list of relationship factors that you think make the perfect blend when it comes to a healthy, thriving and fulfilling relationship. If you feel I have left anything out that you think is super important, feel free to comment below.

The primal wound: Do you have one?

Great post and worth a read for anyone suffering with trauma and non-identifiable anxiety/depression or addiction.

ACEs Too High

Is suffering a necessary part of the human condition? Is it species normal for individuals to feel anxious—like impending doom, a fear of intimacy, or a sense of falseness and meaninglessness?

John Firman and Ann Gila, following the psychosynthesis tradition of Roberto Assagioli (1973), say no, this is not part of being human. The “anxious estrangement” that most people today feel is not normal but unnatural (The Primal Wound, 1997, p. 2). It is the result of a violation in early life that results in broken relationship to parents, others and the world. More deeply it is the missing connection to Ultimate Reality or the Ground of Being. The primal wound is:

  •  “a break in the intricate web of relationships in which we live, move, and have our being. A fundamental trust and connection to the universe is betrayed, and we become strangers to ourselves and others, struggling for survival…

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To my friends about to turn the big four Oh No!

A little less than 10 years ago now I wrote by first ever blog post. I was 39 at the time, newly single (again) and about to turn 40. I had just left a particularly nasty relationship and found myself playing the dating game again. That was the start of a long journey for me, a journey of discovery, fun, excitement, pain, heartache, joy, some hard truths and much more. I am very thankful for what I learned along the way however, it led me to where I am today and that is something I am extremely grateful for.

But that was my situation at the time. Every ones’ circumstance is different but whatever is going on for you, whether you are married, divorced, single, with or without children – whatever the case may be, turning 40 is probably the most anxiety provoking thing you will ever do. (Apart from being born, getting married, starting a new job and a myriad of other things that life throws at us.) Yes, turning 40 is one of those milestones that stumps us all. It’s the time to really say good bye to your youth and a time to accept that you are definitely on the downward slope now… (cue evil laughter).

Or, is it?

I certainly thought so at the time, and the idea filled me with a sense of impending doom and dread. Of course, I now know that I was having what Bugental may have termed an existential crisis. There is something about the shock of turning 40 that makes you feel as if death is just around the corner, that life from now on will be just that little bit worse and that it will continue in that vein until death. But, I can honestly say, that is just anxiety talking. The fact is that 40 is just another number, another year, another arbitrary marker that only has meaning because we make it so. For me, turning forty was the start of one of the most fruitful, productive, exciting periods of my life. I can honestly say, I had nothing to worry about. Now. But, that’s the benefit of hindsight.

Here’s what I wrote back in 2009:

I’m not forty, yet. But it is looming around the corner like the bus my best friend stepped in front of when she was 18 and which kept her in hospital for 6 good months. I mean, she knew the bus was close, on it’s way, due even… like, it was a busway she was crossing at the time, but still, she didn’t see it coming. But that didn’t stop the bus from whacking her one and leaving her broken up and unconscious on the side of the road. I have the feeling that turning 40 is going to feel a bit like that…

I can tell you now, it was nothing like that.

So if 40 is in fact just another number and reality is scary the truth may be somewhere in between, but, whatever that truth is make it yours and make it count.

To all my friends and about to or who have just turned forty and are, as I was at the time, freaking out, take comfort. Life is a process and every stage has its challenges and benefits, its good points and bad. I hope that your forties give you everything you ever hoped for and more, and try not to freak out.

 

 

 

If you want something to change

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When working with persons who are struggling with any mental health or emotional issue, it is interesting to note how attached people become to the behaviours, beliefs and/or relationships that are the main cause of their difficulties and the reason for their appearance in the consulting room.

This is not surprising, in psychology, defensive behaviours such as addiction, depression, anxiety and related safety behaviours become so entrenched because at one time, for all intents  and purposes, these behaviours worked to relieve some psychological pressure that was unmanageable to the person at the time.

I still find it challenging when a client shows resistance to any suggestion that they change something they are doing in order to work towards their stated therapeutic goal, whatever that goal might be. Often, even after going through workability (what have you done so far, how has it worked for you, what has it cost you?) I find that clients are still reluctant to alter damaging behaviours even at the cost of health, valued relationships, money, time, goals etc.

They cling to their behaviours like a child might cling to a parent, even when that parent may also be the cause of suffering and pain.

Attachments can form in the most unlikely circumstances, such is our desire for connection and love. We will often put up with a lot of discontent in order to maintain the most tenuous connection to those, or that which we are attached to.

So the anguish this conundrum causes people is palpable and sometimes heartbreaking to watch.  But reality has a way of exerting itself in a variety of ways, and eventually the breakthrough realisation is as simple as knowing that, in the most fundamental way action needs to happen in order for change to occur. In other words, if you want something to change, you need to change something, no matter how small.

 

 

Revisiting Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on Vulnerability

This morning I felt in necessary for some weird reason to re-visit Brene` Brown’s now infamous talk, The Power of Vulnerability. I first watched it during a week long Counsellor Development W…

Source: Revisiting Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on Vulnerability

Meditation on flying

 

Caught a plane to Melbourne yesterday morning. I was allocated a window seat, first time in a long time that I have. I also had the entire row to myself which was unusual considering the plane was otherwise full. Not that I’m complaining.
It was a beautiful, blue and sunny Sydney morning, so I took the opportunity to not read, or look at my device but to just sit and enjoy the view and the experience. I augmented my experience with music by way of what I had on my phone, which was also an unfamiliar experience for me. I rarely wear headphones around, I’d rather hear what is going on around me, most of the time. But for this flight, I thought it might be a nice change.
As I looked out of the small window, my view was restricted by the wing. Not that I’m complaining about that either, I am really glad that it’s there but my mind did go to some future place in which planes were designed to be mostly glass – that way you’d really feel like you were flying among the clouds. But that hasn’t happened yet. As such, I had a small window framing my view and that would have to do.
As the plane gathered speed, about to take off, I marvelled at this feat of human engineering. This pinnacle of human achievement. What was once thought of as impossible was now an everyday occurrence, something we mostly took for granted, like so many of our current technological advances. I use that word with some hesitation, however, I cannot think of a better one for now. But, I think it prudent to sometimes pause and reflect on that which we take for granted lest it get away from us, or overcome us somehow…
The plane gathered speed and soon it lurched forward and the ground was no longer supporting me. A weird, unnatural feeling which gave me a sudden feeling of anxiety. This is not natural. Humans were not meant to fly! I am literally putting my life in the hands of a stranger. How do I know he isn’t throwing back tequila shots in the cockpit? Suddenly the whole idea of leaping into the sky in what pretty much amounted to a tin can with wings seemed completely preposterous. The definition of madness! I felt my amygdala ignite and my brain flood with chemicals which signalled ‘danger, danger’ to the rest of my body. My heart started beating faster and my breath felt short and strained. Was it too late to turn back?
Then, I was overtaken by the sight of a fluffy white cloud which seemed in hands reach – if I were able to open the window, and by how solid the clouds all seemed, I almost expected to see an angel or two, lazily plucking at a harp string. The sky beyond the clouds was blue and the ground had pulled away from us enough so that you could see the curve of the earth on the horizon. Another reminder to me that my existence is depended on the vehicle in which I am travelling. Be that a tin can catapulted by jet fuel, or a big round rock obiting a sun, which is itself moving through space. Or the body that houses my consciousness.
Nothing is that stable, or that permanent. If this was my last day on earth then I was grateful for the time I had been alotted. Beauty comes at a price, truth depends on your perspective and joy is a choice you make every day. Yesterday I chose joy, and gratitude, and hope.

Trusting the “process”

A while ago now I wrote a post about the shitty shower-head in my apartment and the meaning of my resistance to getting a new one. (You can read it the whole post here if you like.) For those that can’t be bothered, the basic moral of the story was about acceptance. I hated my shitty apartment and was so focused on the future that I was choosing to live with a shitty shower-head in the present that dribbled out water rather that accept my current situation for what it was. Crazy, huh? Hmmm, well we’re all a little crazy, especially therapists! But, it’s recognizing the ways in which our own unique brand of craziness manifests that makes us wiser as we go. We are all trying our best and learning as we go.

Thing is, some lessons are harder to absorb than others. For me, it’s my own special brand of silly ‘futurizing’ anxiety which drives me around the twist at times, if I let it. It’s a constant effort of vigilant, compassionate self-awareness which keeps my anxiety at bay. If there is one thing I have learnt about anxiety, both from observing my clients’ and my own is that is not something you can ever really ‘beat’. It’s something you make peace with, shake hands with so to speak and learn to live with.

I came face to face with my futurizing anxiety today by way of a HB pencil. Yes, a pencil. One of those refillable ones that you put the leads into. When I picked it up I realized that it only had one lead left in it. That made me anxious. Here is a running dialogue of what went on in my mind for the next few minutes: What if I run out of lead while I’m using it? Should I go and see if I can find some spare leads to refill it now before I start? What if I don’t have the right ones? Should I go find another pencil instead of this one? And so on. Exhausting isn’t it? I was worried about the future instead of focusing on the present task which was to simply write down a few notes. It was in the noticing of my anxiety around a silly pencil that gave me the clue that my anxiety was manifesting itself again. It was the same brand of anxiety that manifested itself when I refused to get a new shower-head. So what did I do, I simply repeated my mantra – Trust the process. Instantly I felt calmer, took a deep breath and wrote with the pencil with only one lead. If and when the lead runs out, I will deal with the situation when it arises.

I know this is a overly simple, silly example, beyond silly really but it does illustrate my point. Anxiety starts with the small things, it’s when you let it continue without interruption or give it your full, uncritical attention that it can get out of hand.

Then I thought to myself, why does the phrase “trust the process” work for me? I’m not sure about that but it really does. (I suggest that if you are suffering from some kind of anxiety that you find your own phrase that works for you.) I think it’s because it short circuits the route that your brain has been so used to taking (probably straight to the amygdala, where your emotional responses come from) and re-directs to the neo-cortex area of your brain (your rational, thinking, processing mind). However I think the phrase, trust the process might be a good all-round one to have on stand-by whenever you find your anxious mind trying to take over.

Why that phrase in particular? I think it’s largely to do with the word ‘trust’. Trust is a safe word, and whatever it is you put your trust in can be the right circuit breaker for you. For example, if you are religious, you could substitute the word “Jesus” or “God” for process. As in “Trust in Jesus”. Just as an example. Or you might be humanist and then you would put the word “self” in a sentence, as in “Trust yourself” or “I trust me”.

Whatever your phrase, try it yourself and see. Oh, and remember to ‘trust the process’.

🙂

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