*Originally posted on the now defunct truthjoybeauty.blogspot.com
I have recently entered into a new relationship. The relationship is with someone I know very well and have loved for a long time and I guess, this new phase of our friendship has just a natural progression. And, in retrospect, this is not like any other relationship I have entered into. It is not based on lust or sex, although both are present. We are already past the first flush of romance because we kind of never had that stage. Our love moved from friendship to intimacy via confusion and distraction in a kind of circuitous route but somehow, I always felt we would get there.
Well now we are here. Well, almost here…just a few more stops before we reach destination; Happy Ever After Land! Who knows. With any luck, that’s where we are heading. But, for some reason, now that I am almost at where I dreamed I would be for so long I am having a rash of anxiety. Maybe it’s because we are not out of the woods yet. Maybe it’s because I have not been this close to something this good in a long time and I am afraid that someone or something is somehow is going to take it away from me, just as I’m getting used to the idea.
Maybe because it took us so long to get to this point, that this new reality seems unreal to me. I don’t quite trust it, not quite yet and perhaps, understandably so. The irony of it is however that I was so sure of it before. He was unsure for so long, or not quite ready to take that leap and I was the one who reassured him that it would be fine, time and time again but now, I’m the one needing the reassuring. I was so brave, confident and ready to dive in before but now… well to be honest I’m an anxious mess! Logically I know I should just relax and accept this fortuitous turn of events. He is finally saying the words I have longed to hear him say for so long… and I am hearing them, but they just don’t seem really real, yet.
Love. It is such a scary, freaky ride. I keep telling myself to get back in the “Love Zone” and just trust my intuition which has got me this far. Logic is also telling me to chill the f**k out; This man loves you and has told you so. He has not rushed into things or taken this union lightly so what does that tell you? He is a measured and thoughtful man. A rare breed who does not take matters of the heart lightly. This is why you love him. This is why you waited for him, because you knew he was worth waiting for.
When everyone was telling you to give up, when all reason and sense told you to give up and even when you finally did, (on several occasions) you didn’t really. There was always a kernel of certainty inside that told me he would not let you down when it really mattered. You were always certain hat he wanted this as much as you did.
But. There is so much that can go wrong. We have all been hurt and have hurt in turn. I admit, I am as frightened as I’ve ever been. But too proud to admit as much, to him and until now… to myself. To almost have something you want so badly is almost as worse as having no chance at it at all. Still, is not risk the nature of love? It is a risk. There are no guarantees, no contracts (apart from marriage and even that is not nearly as firm as it used to be) and there is always a risk associated with putting all your eggs in another man’s basket (ha, pun wasn’t intended but I’m going to leave it in). Bottom line is I have no choice but to trust this. I chose him and he has chosen me. We are both pretty smart people, nothing to worry about. Nothing at all….
Relationships..they suck balls but where would we be without them!
However it’s entirely natural to feel anxious at the start of a new relationship. New relationships involve change and all change, even positive change is anxiety provoking. Especially if we have been hurt before. But it’s generally a good anxiety. The anxiety of stepping out of your comfort zone in order to pursue something which will possibly and hopefully enrich your life with meaning, joy and love. Now isn’t that something worth going out on a limb for?
John Lennon sums up this feeling in this song, Don’t Let Me Down. from The Beatles album, Let it be.