When sex becomes a loaded gun (Nov, 2011)
Picture this. Three healthy, reasonably attractive but otherwise very different people sitting at a pub having a beer, or two. Two are male and one is female. One is in his twenties (just,) one in his thirties and the female in her (very early) forties. What do they all have in common? They have all decided, for different reasons to abstain from sex for the time being.
While each situation is different and the reasoning behind their decisions are different, it was a surprise to each to discover that they had all come to the same decision quite independently . While, I don’t want to divulge personal information of the parties involved, I can still talk about myself and only truly speak for myself anyway, and as this blog is all about me I will share the reason behind my decision to embrace chastity. And I’ll admit to being the female in her (very) early forties here (in case you were wondering who she was.)
We live in a highly sexualized society. Sex is used to sell everything from toothbrushes to cars. And these days, thanks to the internet, you can hop online and arrange to meet up with someone for nothing but sex like it’s no big deal. And maybe it’s not. In the sixties everyone was banging on about “free love” and sex without attachment like it was going to revolutionize human relationships. And, I guess coming from the 50’s where relationships and associations were so rigid, it was to some extent revolutionary.
Nowadays, it seems the pendulum has swung all the way and we have situations like, “Friends with Benefits” – where you are mostly friends with someone except sometimes, you have sex. Trouble with that scenario is that the FWB situation only every really benefits one party at a time, and that is usually the male. The feminist in me hates to admit it, but I have learned through painful experience that as a woman, I am not wired that way. Maybe there are women out there that can have sex “like a man”, but I’m not one of them. If I like a man enough to want to have sex with him, it’s because I see him as someone I want to be in a relationship with pretty much. Which brings me to my next point.
I was in love with a man a little while ago and while the relationship started off in a sexual way, it soon changed into more of a friendship. Basically I wanted more, he didn’t. We still did everything together, except have sex. For a while, it frustrated the hell out of me, but eventually I came to accept it. For him, it was the right thing to do. Very honourable, I must admit and unusual for a man to make the decision that if he didn’t want to commit to a relationship with me then it would be wrong to continue to have sex with me. (As much as he obviously enjoyed it when we did. Had to put that part in. He is no prude!)
So, on we went being friends and I went back on the dating scene but found that something had happened to me. I had changed. I don’t know if it’s because I was still had feelings for this man but I found myself turning men down who, to my mind, obviously just wanted to have sex with me and while I did not blame them (they are only men of course) and was flattered to a point, the thought of having sex with someone just because I could no longer appealed to me. Even when I was attracted to them as well. I figured, if he is really into me, he will continue to pursue. Or, if he is really into me he will take the time to get to know me. In the meantime, I can wait. I’d like to get to know a person before having sex with them, not the other way around.
Now, I’m not advocating the hard-core Christian route which advises to wait until marriage before having sex with someone but I can see were this thinking is coming from. Sex can be a special, beautiful, fun and hot thing with someone that you trust and respect and love, or at the very least, like a whole lot. And while sex without attachment has its place and value and I repeat, there is nothing wrong with that kind of sex, it’s just not where I’m at right now. Hence my decision to abstain until further notice.
I’m not saying I won’t get tempted and maybe I will have the odd slip up or two, and if that happens, I won’t beat myself up about it but the intention is there. And that to me is a huge step forward, into the unknown. There is life without sex, go figure.