Working title – On truth
I have attempted to write about truth on this blog, both of truth and my own. I have tried to not hold back, not shy away from my all to human frailties, failures and emotions. Errors of judgement, inability to see what was really going on, clarity when it did finally rain on my rose-tinted parade. Fierce defiance and defence of my reasons for going where I knew I probably shouldn’t. All in the name of love, truth and beauty.
Sometimes, I despair. Where has all this following my heart led me? If not to my own undoing? What have I gained from loving so hard? Was it all a big, mistake. Am I wrong to love the way I do? Do I pick the wrong people to give my heart to?
These questions taunt me at night, now that I have once again run out of fuel to burn. Alone in my car, at night, on some highway, in the middle of nowhere, lost once again. No reception whatsoever.
But then, sometimes, I am reminded…. love is never wasted. The more you give the more it comes back to you. That the life I have led thus far has been mine and that when all is said and done, no-one else painted this picture for me. I chose integrity, and yes, higher consciousness instead of certainty and safety and truth be told, I would do it all again.
My mother once said she admired my fearlessness. I never thought about it that way before but I guess she was right, in that I faced the void with nothing but my pen and brush and did it anyway. I chose an authentic life, not so much the easy life but it is mine and mine alone…Which reminds me of an earlier post, which I will re-post subsequently.
Still, no amount of philosophy, rationalization, therapy, humour, stiff-upper-lippedness is gonna make the truth of the matter dissipate in a hurry. When you love someone with all your heart, and they just can’t/won’t love you back, that shit hurts. Now ain’t that the truth.